a new post, sort of

http://rubysarentblue.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-first-christmas.html

A Christmas gift that I never thought I'd get....to say that it comes at the perfect time is putting it mildly. I'm ready to write again. Really ready. I just can't be shut up in the office all the time, and I can't sit on Bruces lap while he's playing World of Warcraft! Sounds sexy, but it's just annoying (on both counts)

I need a name for her and since I can't create a poll, as I am an unpaid user these day's...you will just have to leave me comments (I mean, If you want to) So basically mom and Hanna, I hope you agree! Wait, Charissa can break the tie if need be! I'm torn between GypsyAnna and LuJayne. I met a little girl at Kosair (she was a sibling) named LuJayne. Her dad told me that in Arabic it means silver :) she had a twin (they looked like they stepped out of a Louisa May Alcott book) named Jade, which in Arabic means grace & good manners.

To say that Ruby Blue is not a fan, is putting it mildly....

Thank you Santa Ninja Becca!!!I'm glad I drew your name & that I have a year to come up with your gift(s) but I know I can't top this!

after everything I've done for YOU

I've been thinking about anger a lot lately. Especially the things people say when they are angry and how they are interpreted, and intended.

One phrase in particular: How could you do that to me after everything I've done for you. My personal feeling is that we stop listening, or really, caring about whatever hurt (real or imagined) has occurred when we hear after everything I've done for you. I could write a whole post on that, but I digress. I know that sometimes the words are intended, just as said... but not always. I have a lot of experience at watching these words being hurled back and forth. And have been subjected to them a time or two myself. I have to believe that there is a better way to communicate these feelings more effectively and maybe accomplish forgiveness, healing & growth as opposed to raging anger and hurt feelings.

From watching the emotions in and on the person "saying" these words and trying to look beyond the WORDS themselves, here are a few interpretations:

Why did you break my heart like that?Why did you disappoint me?Why haven't you lived up to my expectations?How could you not meet my unrealized expectations?How could you not know me?Why don't you love me?You hurt me.You hurt me and I don't know how to deal with it.I don't understand your actions.I'm confused and scared.I'm angry and lashing out at you because you won't leave me.

of course, there is always: How could you do that to me after everything I've done for you?

(because I haven't posted in a while, this is cross posted from 3/9's LJ)


I don't really have the energy to write everything that's been going on right now. I'm not sure I will. Though I write in my journal in my head all the time.I've been having a thought about prayer lately. It's come to me over time, from things my Christian friends have said to me both here and in person and from listening to the radio...all different ways. I've always felt that I was a very prayerful person. Honestly, I still feel that way, though I think I'm beeing called to a different kind, or maybe level or prayer. I purposely pray and I pray out of habit and I talk to God all the time. I don't talk about it too much, unless it's to offer prayer. But Lately I've been thinking about praying on your knees, something I don't do a lot of. But I just always thought that the way I did it was great. I can talk to God in the car for crying out loud! I still think that's good. But, I've been wondering if the reason that people are called to get down on their knees, might have something to do with ... I can't think of the word I want to use, maybe...honor? I don't know. But it's been seeming to me more and more that to make the effort to be alone before God, with no distractions and get down might be something of a devine design, rather than something that Biblical scholars talk about being Holy. Just a thought.

This song, is what has been playing in my head over and over the last few days as we battle against some familial demons and live in this crazy world. I had the tape when I was a teenager and would listen to it over and over again. Interesting how some themes stay current for more than 20 years. I have to see if I can find it somewhere on cd

Within My Reach (Scott Roley, John Thompson)
We agree that love should be
The purpose of the earth
The way you love your neighbor
Is a measure of your worth

Can you hear a baby if she cries out in the ghetto
And if you do is she within your reach
Beating swords to plowshares
Is the hope for all good men
No matter what their government
Their race their creed their land

When you count the warheads we have pointed at each other
How do we place peace within our reach

Lord I must stand against the madness
Knowing in my weakness you will be made strong
Through a simple serving spirit of gladness
Help me Jesus stand against the wrong
And even as you have touched me
I will touch the ones you place within my reach

Loving one another
Is the way to heal the hurt
Spending time with you Lord
Is the only way love works

I can see the old men who are drowning in their bottles
I can feel the heartache of the lonely and the troubled
I can see the children being murdered in their mothers

Lord I must stand against the madness
Knowing in my weakness you will be made strong
Through a simple serving spirit of gladness
Help me Jesus stand against the wrong

And even as you have touched me
I will touch the ones you place within my reach

The Song Remembers When

Brittany Rae and Rebekah Marie, 7/29/03

I used to be able to write what I wanted to say. I used to be able to write it in my head, then come here and BAM, done. These days, not so much. And what I want to say tonight, is so jumbled up. I have sentences here and there that make sense in my head, but no paragraphs.

I always thought that country singers wrote the best songs about parenthood. And Christian artists. I know I'm not a parent, but I know a lot about it, I won't justify myself, I just do. Every time I hear a song about little girls, I think of Dave and Renee and Becky. I've been making a playlist in my head for years. Today, driving home from work, I heard a song called It Won't Be Like This For Long (surprisingly, by Darius Rucker) and I fell immediately in love with it. Of course my thoughts went to baby Becky, to those Tuesday nights when she was an infant and I would sleep over with Renee and we would watch CSI. To her silliness, her funny faces, her special hugs and kisses and unconditional love. How much fun watching her grow up has been. How heartbreaking. How Renee would let me put her to bed when I was over, how I would steal extra time rocking her, and one time, I cheated and let her sleep on my chest even though I tattled on myself. I knew it wouldn't be that way for long. Her last day in the crib. Then I thought of Madeline and her intense little gaze. Her quiet concentration while she sizes up the situation, her joyful abandon just like her big sister.

Before I knew it, I was thinking of Brittany Rae. And I was crying. I didn't even know it. I used to love how she would say "I'll hold her" when she wanted us to pick her up. She heard us all saying "I'll hold her!!!", So, that's what she thought she should say. It felt like just yesterday that she was 3 years old, at my house, and she wouldn't sleep and the pediatrician said to give her some childrens benedryl. Then she stayed up for 3 days in a row. Chris and I had to take turns sleeping, so she wouldn't be up alone. And when Chris and I took her to Padre Island for a week with his family, and she played on the beach all week. I love looking at those pictures. I know that it was just yesterday that she came to visit me in Vermont, we spent 10 days playing cards and swimming, and painting our nails. We rode the gondola up Mount Mansfield, she hated my boyfriend and my boss paid her to help me with my filing, she told me that she wanted to be anything except for what I was, a Benefits Administrator. She got to hold Becky hours after she was born. I sat in the airport for 2 hours and cried after Brittany left.

But it wasn't just yesterday. I've lost 3 babies since Brittany was born and divorced her Uncle Chris. I've had my heart broken since Becky was born, and I
I've gotten re-married. And in the last few month's, I've gone with Becky's daddy to drop her off at SCHOOL, Brittany has gotten a tatoo designed by her late father and gotten her own apartment. She works two jobs. Becky has lost two teeth.

Aunt Boo can't stop crying. But don't worry, It won't be like this for long